The Mental Side of Recovery

Kellen Schmidt | Xcel Energy

Jason Bacigalupo | Vimocity

Hey, everyone. Welcome to today's session. Today, we're honored

to have Kellen with us. Kellen's a former lineman who turned a tragic work zone accident into a powerful message around safety, recovery, and asking for help when things get hard. Kellen, I'll hand it over to you to start with your story.

Hey. Thanks, Jason.

My name is Kellen Schmidt. I am currently a distribution operations manager for Xcel Energy up here in Minnesota. I oversee the day to day operations of our electric utility construction group, which consists of, directional boring, structural restoration, and hydrovacking. I've been with Xcel Energy for coming on to sixteen years now, twelve and a half years as a journeyman lineman.

I had a motor vehicle incident that happened when I was a lineman.

I was nearly out for a year and a half, close to two years, recovering with a TBI, traumatic brain injury, which led me to be partially disabled on my right side. I came back to Xcel Energy in twenty twenty two as a distribution operations blue hat. So those that aren't familiar with the blue hat, it's basically a a union safety individual who has the voice of the front lines to corporate safety to help bridge gaps and, build initiatives for the front line. I was in that for nearly three years, and I'm in, like I said, the operations manager role that I started in September of twenty twenty five. So currently here and loving Xcel Energy every single day.

Thanks for that intro. And and and, yeah, Kellen, I would love to understand a little bit more. I mean, you were you were going about your day, then something happened that most people can't imagine. And and we'd love to just start right there. Can you take us back to that day? Tell us what happened and and what you remember from it.

Yeah. March eighteenth twenty twenty one, I was sitting at a stoplight, and I was waiting to make a left hand turn. It was, nearing the end of my day. I was staring at that that stoplight that was red, thinking about what I had to pack for, going to Florida that next day.

So I was thinking there, sitting there thinking about everything, and all of a sudden, that was when I stopped thinking. What happened was a a semi truck, what I was told, is a semi truck hit me from the the rear end and and sideswiped me. I do not remember anything of the crash.

What I do recall is I had a lady knocking on the window and vaguely, couldn't couldn't really understand what she was saying, but just can can to this day see that silhouette, and and that's everything I remember from from sitting at that stoplight.

What I was told is I I was taken to, Ridgeview Medical Center in Maconia, Minnesota. And then from there, they took me downtown Minneapolis to HCMC, Hennepin County Medical Center. That was a whole old span of hours, right, that I couldn't recall. Apparently, I was talkative in the ER. I am a big talker, believe it or not. I was I was talkative. I was talkative in the ambulance, but I just do not recall anything, which is very unfortunate.

I was starting to somewhat come come to later on in the emergency room at HCMC. Again, don't really remember a lot in and out, but when I what I do remember coming to, I remember my wife in the chair.

And then all of a sudden, when I seen her, I just remember a lot of pain shooting down my spine and and my neck and my right side and kind of in and out really through the whole process that day. You know, doctors were giving me the the happy medicine, if you will, you know, the morphine and all that to control your your your pain, but really in and out for for that day and really a couple days after.

And as you started to kinda come back to to reality and and kinda come to grips with things, what was the first thought that hit you when you realized just how serious this was?

Yeah. So I think, really, when when it hit me is obviously laying in the hospital bed at HCMC. Right? And the nurse got me out of bed a day or two after.

Again, can't really recall. It was with the memory. I remember her kinda giving me up and taking me for a walk, and I just remember kinda the world spinning. I remember taking a few steps and wanting to fall, and I remember her laying me back down in the bed.

Again, pain was there but was really being monitored. And I laid there like, okay. What's going on? What am I what am I not understanding?

Right? I'm I'm I'm laying in the bed. I got a neck brace on. I don't know what's going on.

I don't know the severity.

I have the the thrashing headaches. I have kinda in and out with memory fog. Yeah. Just right then there hit me like, what's going on? What what are they not telling me?

And then moving on from from being released from the hospital, obviously, with, you know, a lot of medications. Right? Trying to keep track of that. My wife stayed home with me for a week and really helped monitor me, get me on the mad on the path to medications, when to take what. And and that following week, when I realized that I wasn't able to remember what I was doing, wasn't able to remember what medications I was taking, was starting to feel pain, so I just pop pop more pills.

That really kind of sounded the alarms for what's going on here. What what what am I not understanding? Yeah. I'm at home with a neck brace at this point.

I can't remember what I had for breakfast. I can't remember if I took the pills. Can't remember if I fed the dogs. Through this whole process, at the time, we had two miniature Australian shepherds.

I gained about twenty pounds because I couldn't remember feeding them. Right? So I kept feeding them, feeding them, feeding them. I was their best friend.

But, you know, just just it really hit me in that moment. Like, I don't know what the future is and if I'm never gonna recover.

And it's it sounds like it's it's around that point, but would love to understand or maybe maybe just learn a little bit more. Like, when when did it sink in that that life and work were gonna look a lot different for you going forward?

Yeah. So throughout my whole recovery, you know, obviously, I the doctors made comments like, what are you gonna do in your next career if you can't fulfill being a line worker? And I laughed at them thinking, you know what? This is my life.

This is what I'm going to do. This is what I do.

I was a workaholic. I worked all the time. I shoulda had a mailbox at Xcel Energy because I live there.

When they when they would make those comments, I would basically laugh in their face, And I feel bad for it, but I would. I'm like, yeah. Right. I'm gonna go back and do my job.

Over time, as I've gone through multiple therapists, as far as, you know, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy, I didn't see progress.

I didn't see any progress. So in the back of my head, I'm always replaying that doctor's visit where he said, what are you gonna do if you can't fulfill the standards and the minimum requirements that it takes to be alignment?

Right then and there, it sunk in. Like, what am I gonna do? Yeah. Well, what did I do?

I tried my best. Right? I went to, Shields with an open credit card. I was buying exercise equipment.

I was gonna get back into shape. I was gonna build my strength. I spent thousands of dollars on medical, like, workout equipment.

I couldn't use it. I tried.

That's when it really sunk in that I'm not gonna be a lineman.

It it was, you know, it was basically probably the same feeling as it is with senior citizens when you take their driver's license away. I would have to imagine. They took my alignment card away. Yeah. Just the therapist did just because I wasn't I wasn't meeting expectations and goals.

Then and there, I I I found myself in a bad spot.

Yeah. Because and and you said it. You're that's your identity, your your alignment. That's that's how you see yourself. That's that's how you you have. You've merged everything in your life into this into this idea of of what it means to be alignment.

And I'm imagining then life gets pretty tough as you start to come to grips with that. And so what does depression look like if you're alignment? How does it show up for someone like yourself? How did it show up for you?

As a lineman, I can say this because I was a lineman. Still, I'm a lineman by heart. Linemen have egos. They do. Linemen aren't gonna show when they're down.

Linemen can separate their personal problems and personal life when they can come to work.

That was tough for me. I gave signs and indicators that I was struggling.

I wouldn't accept that I was struggling because of what what was built into me, what was grained, and what was rooted in me, right, as a macho lineman.

Eventually, I found myself in a dark spot.

When I got out of an appointment, it was a FCE, functional capacity evaluation.

That was the test of all tests. That was gonna determine if I could be a line worker again. It was a two day course, eight hours a day.

And, basically, within the first forty minutes, they were gonna pretty much check me off and wash me out because I I was struggling.

I fought through it.

Sucked, but I fought through it.

Every hour, every couple hours, I'd have to go lay down for about forty minutes in the dark just to reconnect, with myself to try to get rid of the pain. I'd go into the bathroom and take painkillers just so I could get through it.

At the end of the second day, the doctor, or the therapist pretty much took a rubber stamp out and put a stamp on the piece of paper that said find a new career.

I stared at that piece of paper, which seemed like ours.

I basically stood up and walked out of the room. I had my QRC next to me and didn't even talk to her. Just walked out, Hopped in my truck and drove.

I drove and, like, was replaying life.

I didn't know what to do anymore. Basically, it felt like somebody slit my throat, and I'm bleeding out. That's what it felt like internally. I didn't know what I was gonna do.

I don't wanna go into the corporate world. I wanted to be alignment because that's all I know. That's all I know. I know physical work.

If I will I mean, if if I was capable of, doing office work, I would've went to a two or four year school. I went to a ten month line worker program because I just wanted to work with my hands. Now I'm told I can't.

I drove, came home late, went right into the basement where I sat during recovery. I sat in the dark just because the lights and everything affected me with my TBI.

And my wife got in and I got into a argument, and she went back upstairs. And I walked to my gun cabinet, and I took out a pistol, and I held it to my head. And I thought this was the only thing that could change me for the better.

I thought that me taking my own life would probably be better for everybody else because, a, I failed my wife. I'm not the man that I once was. I'm not the man who she married.

B, I lost a job I loved. The only thing I, at the time, felt like I knew. Right?

And c, just a lot of personal stress, anger, and frustration. My wife and I were trying to have kids throughout, before the before the incidents the accident. And then, when the accident happened, you know, obviously, we were having some miscarriages doing IVF, and and and that wasn't successful. So I I found myself in my gun cabinet just feeling bad for myself. There's no other way to put it but feeling bad for myself. Yeah.

I I didn't pull the trigger. I I had no idea why I didn't, but for some reason, I didn't.

I put that firearm away, and and I went to go get help. I went to a a therapist. I went to my doctor. First, I went to my doctor, and I said I'm depressed. I need medications.

Practice of medicine or you know, basically, they just gave you some more medicine to make you feel comfortable.

I was already on antidepressants, so I'm getting different antidepressants and, you know, just whatever makes me feel happy, I just took more medication.

And, went to see a therapist and no disrespect to therapist, but the therapist was not right for me. I went to a couple.

I just felt like it was like you were sitting in in a room, and they're going through a checklist. You know, basically asking why you're here while I'm struggling. That's why I'm here. Right? Yeah. I did find that the best therapists were my friends and my family and my peers.

I would say more of my my coworkers, if anything. They were they were my best therapist. They knew me more. They knew me more than my own family.

If you guys I lived at Xcel Energy, like I said. You know, they knew I was off. I wasn't answering their phone calls. I wasn't answering their text messages.

They came to my door at times, and I was so far down in the dumps, I didn't even answer the door.

So I went to a few of them and and and and didn't tell them what was going on, but they knew I was off. So just having their friendship and their companionship around me really set the bar higher, set me more in a mental state where I was starting to pull through it. Now the medications that I was on helped. Right? They helped.

But long term, they were mixing with other medications that I was on and was starting to shut down my some of my organs.

So finally, you know, I I I got off some medications and and and found ones that work, but, you know, that kinda going off of your question here, but that's, that's kind of what helped me is my coworkers.

Yeah. And you said, you know I mean, first, thank you for sharing all of that. I mean, that's incredibly, one challenging, difficult, emotional. You've got so many different pieces coming together all at the same time, professional, personal.

All those different pieces come together all at the same time, and it creates, an unimaginable level of of stress and anxiety on for for someone in your in your shoes, especially with with the way you've carried yourself and then, the way, you know, you've you've had your your livelihood and your identity, you know, taken from you. And and I can't imagine being in that in that situation. And so as you're starting that, you know, road road to recovery, you know, who who is that who is that person that was sort of the the first one that you felt like you could open up to? I mean, you talked about friends and family who were who were who was or who were some of those people.

And and beyond that, what type of support mattered most, and then maybe what wasn't as helpful?

So so during it, you know, the the first person I really opened up to was my attorney, believe it or not.

You know, through this, I had to get some legal support, right, because of what happened, the financial impact and everything.

There was a moment in my recovery where my father, who is my best friend, and I got into a spat in my garage.

He pinned me down, and the cops were called.

It's because I I wasn't all there mentally.

I got taken to the hospital.

I, had plans of suicide again, and the cops showed up.

My dad was asking for them to take my gun away, my guns, plural, and I refused to give him access into my gun cabinet. So I called my attorney that night.

I told him what was going on and basically told him what was happening because he knew. Right? He was for some reason, we connected. He was he was the only person I could talk to and trust at the moment because he was trying to help me.

Right? And and so was my family. Can't I can't answer why I felt that way, but that's just how the cookies crumbled. Yeah.

My attorney was checking in with me almost every, every other hour, and, you know, we we've he counseled me. He helped me out through the tough times. And then a light switch turned on, and I started talking more to my family.

I think the reason why is because that night when when the the sheriff's department showed up at my house, I realized that my family does care about me, and they were trying to prevent me from doing something bad. You know? Again, I'm a guy. You're a guy, Jason. I think sometimes it's hard to talk about our feelings to to people that we know, trust, and love.

I I don't owe this attorney from Adam. I know we have created friendship, you know, your sense. But at the moment, I'm like, you know, this is the only guy I can talk to because he's on my side trying to help me.

But the moment really shined when I I was sitting in that that hospital room, with nothing in it and the security guard out outside the door. I realized that my family does care about me, and they always have. But I realized that they're here trying to get me help.

Yeah.

I'm not trying to talk about that. You know?

My goal is for people to hear this story and say not and not say, you know, oh, poor Kellen Schmidt. I feel so bad for him. This is reality. This is life. This is what people are going through. And and make sure that if you have a family member going through this, you know, reach out to them. Do what it takes.

What really I wanna hit on is is it was easy to understand that, you know, my family cared about me, but what was really hard is the thought of living in the country, rural Minnesota, when sirens go down a gravel road and flashing lights, every Tom, ****, and Harry in the country will hop in their car and follow follow the the emergency vehicles to see where they're going. Right? Because we got nothing better to do in the country. That's what we do.

What really was a moment that still messes with me mentally is what did the public think about Kellen Schmidt getting the the sheriff's department, at his house? What what what's the public's perspective? Like, we're we live in a society where people are talking, gossiping, right, tweeting. Who knows?

I could have been on a Facebook Live moment. Right? But the point is is I found myself in a spot where I cared what people were saying about me, which is weird. Because today, prior to the accident, I could care less.

I mean, if you think I'm a joke, so be it. But that really put me in a mental state. Now I got all of that. Very well known in my community.

I'll talk to anybody what what happened that night, but, you know, all of that mental I I called it a mental attack. All of those mental things leading up to that day really physically put me into a spot when I was sitting in that in that, hospital with that security guard outside. For some reason, it put me in a mental spot where I just don't care anymore what people think.

I just don't care.

What I care about is my family. You know, at this point in my recovery, my wife and I had, a successful IVF.

We, we had twins.

Before before, my dad and I got into a scuttle, a lot of people don't know this, but I also had the pistol up in up to my head that night because I was having a tough day. So this is the second time I had it gotten to my head.

The first time, I had no idea why I didn't pull the trigger. The second time, I didn't pull the trigger because I heard my daughter cry.

For some reason, the stars lined up, and my daughter cried.

And, that moment, I knew that that little girl needs a father in her life.

You know, I I I tell myself to this day that she saved my life. Yeah. She can drive me nuts at times, but I probably will always think of her as my favorite child because I'm here today because of her.

You know the story. My family doesn't really know all the ins and outs.

You know? Someday they'll hear it. Someday they'll see it. But it's really, really, really, really important that we take life for granted.

We treat people with respect, and we understand if people are going through hard times, like I said earlier, that we put out a helping hand. You know, it's the little things in life that can really change somebody's day. Just saying hello to somebody is amazing. You know how many people I will have walked past at work coming back into the Blue Hat program that now I'm a safety guy, right, when I was a Blue Hat. I'm a safety guy. I can't be trusted or don't talk to him because he might write you out.

It really affects somebody. You know? If they're going through a hard time and somebody doesn't say hi or just doesn't acknowledge you, it it it messed with you mentally. Took me a while to get to a positive state when I did come back to work.

But for those that did say hi, you would not imagine how it can turn your day around.

To this day, yeah, I I got still have issues. Not gonna lie about it. Still have some issues, but I know how to cope with those issues.

Yeah. People are probably wondering, Kellen, why are you sitting here telling your story?

This story is not about, oh, feel bad for Kellen Schmidt. It's not.

This story is to share that people go through crap.

Now I'm sure at the beginning of this conversation, you thought, oh, you know, look at this guy. Sounds like he's gonna talk about something cool. I might have looked, you know, promising in the moment, but here I am, you know, a full grown adult, teary eyed. Right?

People have stuff. You might look normal in the moment. Somebody might let look normal, but they it's no secret. We all have have lives outside of work, and we all have crap in our life.

And if you don't, you're a liar.

Just be kind. Reach out to somebody. Say, hey. How are doing today? Or, hey. You know, can I buy you a coffee?

Just the little things in life. As cheap as saying hi to somebody can really turn somebody's day around.

Without without question. And and, Kellen, thanks for for sharing that, and I know that wasn't easy. And just really appreciate your willingness to to talk through that.

And as you if if you could share, you know, with with someone kind of what either maybe one of two things. You know, what if you're if you're going through something, you know, how, you know, how can you share and be willing to be, you know, sort of the antithesis of the the guy that doesn't wanna share anything? You know, how can you you know, what's that step that you can take? Or maybe even on the other side of that coin, you know, as you're thinking about your loved ones, what can you be looking out for?

Yeah. I, you know, I I never in a million years would imagine I'm the one to sit here and share a story like this. Never ever ever ever ever. I work with some individuals that are going through hard times right now too, whether it's, them personally or it's with their family members. What I do is encourage them to talk about it, if willing.

I talk about my story because it reminds me of how far I've come.

That might sound corny, but it reminds me of how far I have come in life.

Now I can think back to the moment where I had that pissed look against my head and I was ready to pull the trigger.

I know I'm better than that at this point of sharing. I encourage people to share what they can, when they can, and how they can. If it's something, hey. I need to talk to you. I'm just going through some hard times. Can I find a different job for the day?

That's sharing a lot. K? As a leader, leaders out there, I expect everybody to say, hey. I'll find you something else to do today.

I had an employee come to me a couple weeks ago because they were going through a hard time, from being on the volunteer fire department with a a response that he had to attend. He said, Colin, I've been up all night. I'm struggling absolutely today. I said, hey.

I'm upset. I'll find you something to do in the office. Right?

That's all you have to share. If you're going through something, say, hey. My head's not in the game.

As a leader, as a friend, as a coworker, be that human, be that adult, be that friend, mentor. Doesn't mean we gotta go to happy hour after work. Right? But be a friend in that moment and say, hey. I'm gonna look out for you, and I'm gonna look out for your family to make sure that you are safe today.

Don't give them tasks that are gonna injure them, hurt them, or kill them.

Give them a task that's in the office. Give them a task to go home if they need to go home for the day.

But at the end of the day, make sure you follow through. Just say, hey. Thinking of you. Whether it's a text, whether it's a sticky note on the desk, whether it's a phone call, make sure you check up on them and say, hey. I'm still here for you.

Thanks, Kellen. And, you know, as you've gone forward and you've you've overcome these challenges, you're very clearly, you've you've been able to reorient, and you're you're on a new new path now. And so how have you been able to kinda redefine your mission? What is the mission? And and how does that help you redefine your path as you go forward?

Another great question. My mission is basically to share what I've been through. Again, not to feel bad for Colin, but to share that.

You might walk into a room. You might walk onto a stage. You might walk into your office, and you're like, oh, nothing wrong with him today. He's all chipper.

Believe it or not, every single day, I'm most of the time chipper. But there are things that eat me alive to this day. I I my mission is to make sure people are aware of that. Right?

Never judge a book by its cover. Heck, I'm chipper right now, but there's some things going on in my personal life that are just attacking me inside.

Make sure we treat people with respect.

Make sure if you can tell somebody's off, give them space. That's my mission. That's my message to people. Be kind. You know, we're in a world we're not gonna get into politics or problems, but we're in a world where kindness will overcome everybody, make sure people are are okay mentally and physically.

Just treat people with respect. We all have problems. My mission is to make sure that we all reach out and help one another. My mission is to share my story.

I don't get paid for sharing my story. I don't like sharing my story, but, again, it reminds me how far I've come. And it's also with me sharing my story has opened up pathways for others to share their story.

I've shared my story to multiple people at Xcel Energy, and myself and a few others have driven the initiative to get leadership to open up an Xcel Well program, which really focuses on mental health, mental wellness, which is fantastic. I encourage you to open up that idea with your company, whether it be your company of ten or a company of ten thousand.

Make sure people have resources. Make sure they have, employee assistance programs. Make sure they have somebody that they can come to and just be open.

Colin, that's wonderful. That's, such a source of of positive influence out of something that was so so incredibly dire. And hats off to you for being willing to share your story, being willing to put yourself out there in that way in a way that's incredibly uncomfortable, but with the idea and the intent of benefiting others who may be going through something similar. And and the fact that it's now turned into something so positive that you're you're even building a a a well-being program around it is is phenomenal.

So just incredible for all you've done, for what you've gone through, your willingness to share it. And, really, Kellen, just thank you for for coming on, for walking through that, for sharing your story.

As we as we wrap, anything that you would add to our conversation, any takeaways for people that you would want them to leave with?

You said a lot, but anything you wanna wrap that up with?

No. Really, just take care of one another. You know, be kind. We're all gonna have differences in life.

You know, it's okay to agree to disagree. Right? But whether it's in your personal life, your professional life, remember, everybody that walks into a home at night or a building, in the morning to execute their work, we all have problems. So it's very important that we we we we we just be open.

We be humans where people can come talk to and never judge anybody.

Just be a respectable human.

Be kind and respectful. It doesn't cost us anything.

Yep.

Kellen, thanks for coming on.

To let everyone know, we have a full event library with on demand events.

Each of those events, can also get CUSP credits for. So definitely check out that library. But, again, Kellen, thank you for coming on today.

Cannot express enough gratitude for, one, your willingness to share your story, and two, the impact that it will undoubtedly have had and will continue to have on folks who may have a hard time opening up and maybe going through something very similar right now, and this may be the pathway to help them move forward. So thank you again for your for coming on. And, again, thanks everyone for tuning in.